In the past 12 months, I had a privilege to witness two magnificent events, two of my best buddies got married (not with each other though) ng crew?
I read my speech umpteenth time and concluded that everything needs to be rewritten. At last, the final speech was born which received a better-than-expected response.
Speech One.
If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you’re either me (because I am) or you just married Groom. Just a quick note before I start, I personally don't know (Groom). He responded my advert on Gumtree. So, ladies and gentlemen, like the groom, if you don't have anyone who wants to be your best man, please meet me at the bar. My rates are negotiable . And I put this advert here because the groom wanted the cheaper option. The premium version does not contain any advertisement. So I was saying, I’d also like to congratulate groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it. If you want a hard copy of his speech, please look under your chairs. ( pause) .. I know, there isn't any as the groom has nothing to say. Moving on, I can only say in my defence that groom and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please feel free to blame the groom. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness another rare event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. And I surely am going to make the most of it. Is there any lawyers, doctors or funeral directors here today? The first two, please meet me after this speech and the third one, my wife is on table seventeen. ( bit inappropriate)
Well groom, I hope you made the most of your speech... now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted
I must admit that i was very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. ( found rather gross than funny) The best man's speech is normally about making fun at the groom's expenses. Today, I'd like to break the tradition by paying him a compliment I think you”ll all agree groom is also looking pretty good. I am sure you all think that he's .. he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…groom …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you should have typed it. Could you finish this for me please? I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out (The reason I had to delete this out because there was a microphone available which led to an emergency edit.) I asked groom before I started writing if there was anything I couldn’t say, and he said no. So bride, It is all groom’s fault.
Speech two
(For the second speech, and as an experienced best man, I wasn't in panic mode. I modified the previous speeches and created this one, The reason to edit this one was to avoid repetition of previous lines as there were guests who attended the previous wedding) Ladies and gentleman It’s an absolute pleasure and privilege to be here and today and I am sure groom's feeling the same. For those of you who know me- I am sorry and those who don’t know me and wondering who the hell is this, don't worry - I am thinking the same. ( I changed this to- I am sorry again) My name is MY NAME and I have had the privilege to be here and deliver this speech today. I am not a great public speaker, so I will try to keep this short and sweet. About me and groom, I met groom while he was working as a delivery driver at Ann summers, he had to quit because his customers failed to see the differences between his name and goods he was delivering. Please don't ask what was I doing at that time. ( Didn't find it funny after reading ten times) I met groom when we were both working at workplace. He used to work in a different department and was a very chatty person who could make friends to virtually anybody, as long as you don’t mind putting in all the effort of meeting him and talking to him. With groom around, I became only the second least popular colleagues at the workplace. ( duplicate from previous speech) But before I start, a little bit about my background- there’s a massive window and a pervert looking at my backside. ( Changed due to slightly inappropriate content) On behalf of myself and the rest of the wedding party, I would like to thank groom and bride for inviting us to be a part of their special day. I'm sure you'll all agree with me that the ceremony today was touching and beautiful. But it wasn’t all happy moments. Bride looked absolutely stunning today, and, I’m sure all the guys will agree that it’s always a little bit sad to see another beautiful woman being taken off the market. And ladies, groom's no longer eligible either. Funny thing... None of the girls seem to be too broken up about it at all. I texted Groom the other day to ask if there's anything I can or can't say. He gave me a list of this I can and must say, the list is so long that I am still receiving, I actually fell asleep after reading first ten pages, I think it contains things like how magnificent he is and how lucky bride is to have him. ( cheesy)I, however also managed to acquire the things I am not supposed to mention here, So, To his disappointment and everyone’s excitement, Here are the list of the things I am not supposed to mention. Semi skimmed milk Balsamic vinegar Free range eggs Frozen vegetables. (Pause) Oh hang on, this could be my shopping list. No wonder the shop assistant was giving me strange looks while I was reading the list to him. (Changed because I didn't find funny during the speech, so was during-the-speech-alternation, don't know whether anyone noticed or not) Must have picked this one instead of the other list. I can see the relief in groom's eyes. He definitely has more than one stroke of luck today. Talking about luck, I consider myself a very lucky man myself today. I have been talking for almost 3 minutes and my wife hasn't interrupted me once. ( too common) Going back to groom , who was born on my birthday, and I have known him for over ten years now, although I didn't know his name was fullname until I received the wedding invitation. At first I was almost relieved to understand that bride finally opened her eyes and decided to marry who meets her expectations. (not really funny) About bride, I have known her on since the day they got together ( changed to "a long time") I still remember the day bride and groom met for the furst time We were in a pub and Sammie was there with her friends, and I heard bride pointing to groom and I am sure she said “look at that prick. I thought she knew him. So I told groom that there’s a girl looking for him. And ladies and gentleman, that’s how it started. I remember the day, groom and bride talking, completely ignoring me waiting at the corner. I spent ages holding my empty glass- waiting for him to return. I must have looked really miserable because a girl approached me and asked, “Would you like another one? She must be drunk. I mean, why would I want two empty glasses in front of me? Traditionally the part of this speech, would be full of amusing and embarrassing stories about the groom to humiliate him, But ladies and gentlemen we all know that groom is quite capable of humiliating himself without any additional help and he’s much better at it than I could ever hope to be. ( Was a repeat, but kept it) Not only that, I have found groom to be a slow and laid back too, I recall a day at work, he was not all himself- he didn’t say anything. But later admitted that he was missing bride. Give her a ring then, I said And it took him seven years!! Talking about time, we currently live in Scotland and those who haven't been to Edinburgh yet, here's the view from Edinburgh castle this morning ( shows blank white screen on iPad) . ( Missed due to a technical glitch) So we arrived yesterday, and were running late so we grabbed a taxi and said “Waterloo mate” The cab driver looked at me and asked “station?” I said, well I am a bit late for the battle!!! Groom, it’s been an honour to get to know you over the last few years, and I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve found a woman who is kind, honest, caring, and who deserves nothing but the best husband there is. Luckily you found her before she had a chance to meet him. But seriously bride I’ve gotten to know groom quite well over the years, and I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him at his best. But through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is as when he’s with you. Friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in a toast: Rick and Sammie, I know the two of you will are going to have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever. To groom and bride. And now, the urge kicked in, urge to reveal the original thing, somewhat like director's cut on DVDs or alternative endings, And this blog was created, There is no real wedding and no one to be offended, I have, however modified the names and places to protect the identifications,. But please feel free to identify yourself, if you wish, Items in bold are the edited ones. Comments are closed.
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