Mondays can be boring, lets spice it up ( or down, whatever you want) with my collection of one liners.
In the past 12 months, I had a privilege to witness two magnificent events, two of my best buddies got married (not with each other though) ng crew?
I read my speech umpteenth time and concluded that everything needs to be rewritten. At last, the final speech was born which received a better-than-expected response.
{ Note: this article has spent well over the human gestation period in draft, so please be gentle)
"Can I ask you a question?" I look up. And saw this lady with an expressionless expression. It was a familiar face who never said thank you for holding the door or responded to my greetings, Mind you, I am not a natural greeter. I don't greet people as a hobby. And I do not worship creeps. But I do acknowledge people while sharing a lift or a urinal (kidding,) it doesn't bother me though. With an exception of e-grins ( rolf, lol, and HHCD for those who use this), I don't get offended if someone doesn't respond to my greetings. I don't know how much this lady knows about me but I usually see her in the staff room, always bragging about something. And that's everything I know about her. Today she was standing in front of my desk and asking if she could ask me a question! No hello, hi or any sort of human greeting- just plain, tasteless, "can I ask you a question?" question. With her robotic voice and zero expression on her face, I couldn't distinguish whether she was asking for a favour or doing me one. I fish for the right word to respond. "You just did" didn't sound legit. Instead, I let go two short "huhs" - an attempt to copy her expression. I was making sure I don't look interested either. "You know I have an iPad" she began and continued. The next 25 seconds of her verbal diarrhoea detailed the location, cost and reasons behind the purchase of the iPad with a torrent of added extras. I was in eternity. Where was my selective hearing when I needed it most? Anyway, the bus with a flat tyre on an unpaved, puddled road finally came to a halt- at least I thought it did. I was wrong. The one-way conversation went on and on. Thankfully I got my selective hearing back with an automated affirmative nodding. "What do you think?" She halted. Finally. I removed my virtual earplugs and attempted to recall the conversation I wasn't listening to. Luckily I heard the words "printer" and "cable" and I assumed that the question is about printing from an iPad. "What type of cable?" I still had to know a bit more than those two words before offering any solutions. "Data cable" She responded. "Okayyy" I said, waiting for more information, instead, I received a blank stare. "so you want to plug your iPad into your printer?" Hypothetic? perhaps. But I seem to be moving in the right direction. " yes," she said. "I don't think it works that way" is A generic answer in an attempt to harvest more information. "I want to print from my iPad and The guy at pc world said you can " I couldn't understand why she was barking at me for the last 5 minutes if "the guy at pc world" told her that it was possible. Presumably, the guy just said yes to avoid her. Or he owns a pair of virtual earplugs too. "For a computer to recognise a printer, it needs a piece of software called driver" I tried to explain but she interrupted "But it's a iPad." " Your iPad is a computer" No response to that. instead, she goes, " where can I download this driver software?" " I don't know......" " what if you plug the cable on iTunes?" She impatiently interrupted again. I didn't know what to say. "How can you plug a cable on iTunes?" I failed to hide my annoyance here. "That's what I am asking you," She said without missing a blink. I virtually pulled my hair and banged my head on the table few times. I was talking to a woman who wants to physically plug a piece of hardware to software via a cable. I try to end the conversation. Listen, I said, I am not an apple expert. you need to either visit the apple store or ring them. I said. "Do you have the number?" At this point, I wished I could slap her. I took a deep breath. "I don't own any apple products" I sounded surprisingly calm. "Can you find out for me?" She wasn't giving up. "I don't own any Apple product" I repeat, with a higher pitch. I have never experienced someone being so demanding for a piece of free advice and help. I felt like I am being robbed at a knife point. you, yes you. give me some advise or prepare to die.!! Or a less harsh version. listen carefully mate, nobody gets hurt if you kindly answer my questions. I don't care whether you know the answer or not, but you must answer the questions the way I want/ She was still standing, expecting me to run and dig through my papers to find the number for her. why don't you go to Dixon s and ask? I said, calm-ish-ly. "yes, but they said I need a cable" I was glad I had never spoken to this lady in my life. Back to square one would be an understatement here. I took a deep, invisible - inaudible sigh. I don't even know why is she there for? Does she want me to produce a cable out of a hat? "Why don't you visit the apple store?" My attempt to get rid of her. "umm, that's too far." Now I was really annoyed. I let go of another inaudible $#&*. "Listen, why don't you go back to the guy at Dixons or PC world and ask to show you how it is done" I was louder than normal " Do you think he will charge me" I felt like charging a blow. " I don't know, why don't you go and ask him first" "I will do that then" Then she walked away without saying anything, That was a massive phew moment. I didn't care she left without thanking me or appreciating me, I was grateful that she left. Few days after that, I was inside a lift and so was she. " can I ask you a question" |
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